My daughter, Melinda, and I went to IHOP after the noon Mass today. We attend services every Tuesday and then eat a late breakfast of eggs, bacon and pancakes at either IHOP or Cracker Barrel. I brought a church bulletin with me and was reading it while we were waiting for our order. I came across a picture of a parishioner in the bulletin and shared a story with my daughter about this particular person. I'll call him Patrick, since this is St. Patrick's Day, after all!
First, Patrick is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet; and has alway had a nice friendly disposition since I've known him in middle school. As the story goes; his parents divorced when he was very young. He was 10 years old or less. His biological father, thereafter, was not an active part of his life. I think Patrick saw him once in a while.
His mother remarried and this man was, according to Patrick, the most wonderful step-father any child could ever have. He was attentive, loving and was what Patrick had wanted from his biological father, that he didn't get. It's all right. His step-father was a hero to Patrick and he loved and respected him so much that when Patrick turned eighteen and graduated high school, he changed his last name from that of his biological father to his step-dad.
That was a long time ago; we're all in our fifties now. Patrick carried on his step-father's business and is happily married with grown children and is a grandfather himself.
I told Melinda this story because I thought the story was unusual; most step-parents get a bad rap in our society. They get a bad rap in most fairy tales that we read to our children, such as Cinderella or Snow White, or whatever fairy tale involves a step-parent. I'm glad Patrick's story was such a good one. I'm a step-parent myself and I know that being a step-parent can sometimes be hard, but not because of the children involved, but because of the adults involved. First of all, you get blamed for things that are entirely not your fault. You get lied to, framed, and used as a 'scapegoat' for things not turning out right in your step-child's life. And if your step-child reflected anything positively significant in their lives, well you had nothing to do with it. Sad, that adults are responsible for this. I know that as life continued on, I had no choice but to accept that I would always be the bad guy and a fake, with ulterior motives because this is what was told to my step-children by their wonderful, loving jealous mother. How did I come about this information? Because my step-daughter told me to my face that her mother had been telling her and my step-son this since their father and I married many many years ago. How did I respond? With silence.
So what did I do? Nothing. What do you do when your own child acts up? (and I have four angels that tarnish their halos every now or then) or when you're married to a spouse whose parenting skills or advice you don't always agree on? What I did was develop 'coping' skills of my own. Going to Mass is my anti-anxiety. It makes everything all right for me and puts everything into perspective. It has a calming soothing effect to my soul. Of course, I've also been told that I'm putting on a 'show' for everyone to think that I'm a 'good Christian'! Did I deserve to be talked to like this? I don't think so. A person can go about their own personal lives and still be 'dogged' about something. A person goes to the hospital when they're sick; I go to church to heal my soul, worship God, receive the Eucharist, and to feel the strength of the Mass within the walls of the Church. Why subject me to such condemnation when I have done nothing to no one but go about my activities of daily living? Oh yes,...I forgot....I live in this secular world.
So, developing coping skills as a parent or as a step-parent is a good thing. You can't do anything about how people look at you or treat you when you become a step-parent; it's a sacrifice, whether it's meant to be or not, because of adults that selfishly refuse to act like adults and because of the way our secular society has made it. Being a step-parent is going to always have its taboo. Going to Mass as often as I can and praying the rosary is what I do to make myself feel 'whole.' Last of all, forgiving those that choose to hurt me and love to hurt me. When Jesus died on the cross, he said "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." So I take up my cross daily and don't ask but forgive.
This is why I told Melinda of Patrick's story. His outcome was a wonderful one. He loved his step-father very much, Maybe this was because his step-father wasn't hampered by outside influences. I don't know. But bless the step-parents who want to and are allowed to love their step-children without the verbal demolition of others.
First, Patrick is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet; and has alway had a nice friendly disposition since I've known him in middle school. As the story goes; his parents divorced when he was very young. He was 10 years old or less. His biological father, thereafter, was not an active part of his life. I think Patrick saw him once in a while.
His mother remarried and this man was, according to Patrick, the most wonderful step-father any child could ever have. He was attentive, loving and was what Patrick had wanted from his biological father, that he didn't get. It's all right. His step-father was a hero to Patrick and he loved and respected him so much that when Patrick turned eighteen and graduated high school, he changed his last name from that of his biological father to his step-dad.
That was a long time ago; we're all in our fifties now. Patrick carried on his step-father's business and is happily married with grown children and is a grandfather himself.
I told Melinda this story because I thought the story was unusual; most step-parents get a bad rap in our society. They get a bad rap in most fairy tales that we read to our children, such as Cinderella or Snow White, or whatever fairy tale involves a step-parent. I'm glad Patrick's story was such a good one. I'm a step-parent myself and I know that being a step-parent can sometimes be hard, but not because of the children involved, but because of the adults involved. First of all, you get blamed for things that are entirely not your fault. You get lied to, framed, and used as a 'scapegoat' for things not turning out right in your step-child's life. And if your step-child reflected anything positively significant in their lives, well you had nothing to do with it. Sad, that adults are responsible for this. I know that as life continued on, I had no choice but to accept that I would always be the bad guy and a fake, with ulterior motives because this is what was told to my step-children by their wonderful, loving jealous mother. How did I come about this information? Because my step-daughter told me to my face that her mother had been telling her and my step-son this since their father and I married many many years ago. How did I respond? With silence.
So what did I do? Nothing. What do you do when your own child acts up? (and I have four angels that tarnish their halos every now or then) or when you're married to a spouse whose parenting skills or advice you don't always agree on? What I did was develop 'coping' skills of my own. Going to Mass is my anti-anxiety. It makes everything all right for me and puts everything into perspective. It has a calming soothing effect to my soul. Of course, I've also been told that I'm putting on a 'show' for everyone to think that I'm a 'good Christian'! Did I deserve to be talked to like this? I don't think so. A person can go about their own personal lives and still be 'dogged' about something. A person goes to the hospital when they're sick; I go to church to heal my soul, worship God, receive the Eucharist, and to feel the strength of the Mass within the walls of the Church. Why subject me to such condemnation when I have done nothing to no one but go about my activities of daily living? Oh yes,...I forgot....I live in this secular world.
So, developing coping skills as a parent or as a step-parent is a good thing. You can't do anything about how people look at you or treat you when you become a step-parent; it's a sacrifice, whether it's meant to be or not, because of adults that selfishly refuse to act like adults and because of the way our secular society has made it. Being a step-parent is going to always have its taboo. Going to Mass as often as I can and praying the rosary is what I do to make myself feel 'whole.' Last of all, forgiving those that choose to hurt me and love to hurt me. When Jesus died on the cross, he said "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." So I take up my cross daily and don't ask but forgive.
This is why I told Melinda of Patrick's story. His outcome was a wonderful one. He loved his step-father very much, Maybe this was because his step-father wasn't hampered by outside influences. I don't know. But bless the step-parents who want to and are allowed to love their step-children without the verbal demolition of others.
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